never forget.



Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.


--The Desiderata

and it seems that all I am is fear, anymore, a silhouette of joy and peace, its filling made of terror. this is too melodramatic for the reality of the situation. this is not a fear of something tangible--there is nothing hiding in my closet or under my bed, no danger that whispers close to me and threatens my life or my well-being. it is only the fear of the future and sometimes I fear it will threaten my sanity. I'm looking at dozens of colleges for musical theatre and all I can hear is, what if? what if I audition and I don't make it? what if I don't make it into a single school and I am suddenly the girl who auditioned for 12 schools and made none of them and still foolishly thinks that she is going to pursue a career in musical theatre? what if I attend a school of lesser renown without an audition and train for four years, only to discover upon graduation that I did not cultivate the skills necessary to propel me into a career? what if I have a successful career for ten, twenty years, and then find myself at age fifty with no roles and no chance? what if? what if what if what if what if what if

there is an anxious bird at my ribcage, in my throat, in my stomach. I try to cup it in my hands, suppress it at my fingertips, quiet the rapid pitterpatterpulse.

I quiet it. it rediscovers its wings. it raises its head and squints into the darkness and flies into the unknown, because it has to, because there is nowhere else to go but forward.

so will I.

aren't I supposed to take refuge in words? I find myself staring at blank paper or blank screen because I'm unable or afraid to write. I dread what used to bring me my profoundest joy and greatest relief. someone could be reading this. someone could be judging me. someone could be laughing.

I am afraid.

never forget.



Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.


--The Desiderata

and it seems that all I am is fear, anymore, a silhouette of joy and peace, its filling made of terror. this is too melodramatic for the reality of the situation. this is not a fear of something tangible--there is nothing hiding in my closet or under my bed, no danger that whispers close to me and threatens my life or my well-being. it is only the fear of the future and sometimes I fear it will threaten my sanity. I'm looking at dozens of colleges for musical theatre and all I can hear is, what if? what if I audition and I don't make it? what if I don't make it into a single school and I am suddenly the girl who auditioned for 12 schools and made none of them and still foolishly thinks that she is going to pursue a career in musical theatre? what if I attend a school of lesser renown without an audition and train for four years, only to discover upon graduation that I did not cultivate the skills necessary to propel me into a career? what if I have a successful career for ten, twenty years, and then find myself at age fifty with no roles and no chance? what if? what if what if what if what if what if

there is an anxious bird at my ribcage, in my throat, in my stomach. I try to cup it in my hands, suppress it at my fingertips, quiet the rapid pitterpatterpulse.

I quiet it. it rediscovers its wings. it raises its head and squints into the darkness and flies into the unknown, because it has to, because there is nowhere else to go but forward.

so will I.

aren't I supposed to take refuge in words? I find myself staring at blank paper or blank screen because I'm unable or afraid to write. I dread what used to bring me my profoundest joy and greatest relief. someone could be reading this. someone could be judging me. someone could be laughing.

I am afraid.